


Rekindling the Fire

by BlingBlingMaknae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, Relationship Problems, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 11:49:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14852201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlingBlingMaknae/pseuds/BlingBlingMaknae
Summary: "Maybe we need a cool off. Maybe we need a break. This cannot work this way, Han."





	1. Cold

_"...just a second we're not broken just bent_  
_And we can learn to love again..."_

 

 

 

 

\----

 

 

It was the same old story.

 

 

They would wake up, have a chaotic breakfast, be mad at each other for the rest of the day—sometimes even a week, make up, and repeat the same process.

 

 

"I am tired, Han.” The words were whispered in the softest voice Sehun’s dry throat could make, but they echoed like a death sentence to the other presence who was sitting on the bed. Sehun sat on floor, leaning against the wall, feeling exhausted from their fight. His hair was shaggy from pulling them in frustration, opting to hurt himself rather than the most precious person he treasured more than his own life.

Sweat covered his exposed forearms, which were lined with scratches that Luhan inflicted him again that day in fits of anger. They stung, but Sehun was numb from everything, except the excruciating pain of his crying heart. Sehun's eyes were bloodshot, and his overall state reflected how distressed he was at the endless cycles of quarrels they have almost every day. Their falling-outs were getting more and more often than the times of peace, and no one could deny it anymore…

 

 

 

_They were gradually falling apart._

 

 

 

"I cannot do this anymore. You are hurting me and I am hurting you. Your jealousy fits are overwhelming me so much. I endured everything, but I do not think I can do it anymore. You never listened to me. I am tired, Han."

A perplexed Luhan looked up from the hands that were covering his face. He stared at his soulless lover staring at nothing in particular, and his insides wallowed with guilt, knowing that he was the sole cause of Sehun’s despair. Sehun's empty eyes reflected all the pain that the beholder had inside, and how Luhan wished to take back everything he did just to see the beautiful shine in them once again.

"You do not trust me at all. It is as if you are constantly doubting me even if you know how much I love you." Sehun added, his fists clenching on his sides, the internal anguish making it harder for him to speak. His mind was a muddled mess, and his lips quivered in an attempt to get the words out of his throat. Though, tears were not falling anymore, having been exhausted from the endless gush of his emotions moments ago. "I do not know why you turned into someone like that… You changed a lot, Luhan. We were happy. We were always on top of the world because we have each other. But what happened? I do not know where I went wrong. I do not know why you are always accusing me of cheating and flirting and of things that you know to yourself I can never do. You are doubting me even if I tried my best in the past decade proving how much I value you. You are hurting me so much, Luhan. More than you can ever imagine."

"Aren't you hurting me right now?" Luhan sniffled, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He was hurting; each and every word that left Sehun’s lips stabbed straight to Luhan’s heart. "Aren't you crushing my heart by what you are saying?"

Before Luhan could add anything, Sehun had cut him off by a hushed yet piercing answer. "You and I know that you are the one hurting me and yourself. All I did was love and understand you through the years. The only fault I had was that I loved you way too much… Way too much for you to forget how to respect me and consider what I feel."

Luhan choked on that, knowing that it was true. His mind was too wrapped up at the thought of holding onto Sehun that unknowingly, he was grasping his lover way too tight for Sehun to drift away. He continued staring at Sehun, who just looked ahead with a disconsolate glint in his eyes. Luhan opened his lips, finally asking the question that tortured him to no end. "I-Is this our end? A-Are you re-really... breaking up with me? Are you giving up on me, Sehun?"

Sehun fought the urge to meet his teary lover's eyes, knowing that just one stare through those penetrating doe eyes would make the resolve his mind had set crumble. He closed his eyes, heaving a deep sigh as he shook his head. "I cannot do that. I love you damn so fucking much and I do not want you to let go. I cannot imagine what my life would be without you."

 

 

 

There was a big pause, and Luhan felt like he was hanging on a cliff as he awaited for the words that carved deep in his heart it hurts.

 

 

 

_So, so much._

 

 

 

"Maybe we need a cool off. Maybe we need a break. This cannot work this way, Han. We should talk this out when we are not angry anymore."

 

 

 

 

Work was hard for Sehun but Luhan, his endless source of support and joy, never failed to make everything feel better like he had some sort of magic. His boyfriend used to be the sweetest thing on earth, giving him massages and making him honeyed water every time he went home. He was always welcomed by a set of thin but cozy arms and loving kisses while he was ushered to the dining room to have a meal together.

Luhan's cooking skills were not as good as Sehun's mother, but every ounce of love and effort in the dish was enough to satisfy Sehun's tastebuds. The way Luhan asked him how his day went was enough for Sehun to unwind and forget the day's worries. Luhan's cuddles always relieved the burden on Sehun's shoulders, and his warm, soothing voice and touches made Sehun drift to dreamland in no time. Luhan was his refuge, a safe haven he would always come running after at the end of the day.

Sehun did not know when and where everything started going downhill. Things changed right after their tenth anniversary which was also the third year Sehun started working. Luhan was never the same after he lost his job at the café he was working at. The café was sold for the owner's wedding, and there Luhan was, stripped with the sense of pride of helping in providing them their daily needs.

Since then, Luhan did not get any job. The deer drowned into misery and insecurities that Sehun tried to replace with all the tender loving care he could shower his lover with. Still, Luhan remained devastated. Sure, he stopped sobbing unlike the first week but he had been making life harder for Sehun. Luhan, without fail, demanded an explanation from Sehun when the latter went home late from work. He always caused a dispute, citing names of various office workers that he knew were close with Sehun, thinking that Sehun had some kind of affair with any of them. At first, it was cute that Luhan was showing some possessiveness, something that the deer never manifested in the past ten years. But as months drew on, it went overboard. It even went to the point where Luhan was clinging on Sehun just for his lover not to go to work. During his jealousy fits, he hurt Sehun to no end, screaming all kinds of painful accusations, punching Sehun’s chest and scratching him.

Sehun endured each and every jab, not wanting to hurt his lover in any way. He raised his voice but Luhan would not listen. He held Luhan's wrists to restrain him, but the smaller male took it as an offense and just kicked harder.

What was tiring was that Sehun was always the one who said 'sorry' even if it was Luhan who was being irrational. He always cooed and pursued his boyfriend, spoiling him to no end until he was 'forgiven.' Just when he thought everything was okay, Luhan would find any issue to bring up, thus, repeating the agonizing cycle again.

Sehun had his own fair share of jealous moments especially because his lover was an alluring masterpiece of a creature that could make anybody bow down before his beauty. The only difference between them was that Sehun was secured enough to understand that Luhan loved him dearly. He knew that Luhan would never betray him, and if ever Luhan wanted to end whatever they had, he would tell Sehun and not cheat.

It hurt to know that Luhan did not have the same trust for Sehun.

Was it the lack of ample time together that caused them to drift apart? Did it make Luhan think that he was not valuable and sufficient enough? But Sehun was trying. He was trying to juggle everything. He was trying to make Luhan special in their little time together. He was just doing this for their future... for Luhan to be happy. To fulfill his promise to give Luhan everything in this world...

 

 

Then why? Why was Luhan like this?

 

 

Sehun did not know how he endured such pain for almost eleven months, and that he only exploded at that certain day. Luhan dared to answer Sehun's phone call from an office worker who was just going to inform him about an upcoming seminar. Sehun, who was just preheating dinner overheard Luhan shouting accusations at the female over the phone, and that was the last straw. The Lord knew how much Sehun wanted to hit Luhan for making him an embarrassment, but Sehun was sane enough to punch the wall instead. For the first time, Sehun talked back. They screamed and yelled hurtful words at each other, which ended with Sehun's proposition of a separate vacation.

 

 

They were indeed in the verge of breaking up.

 

 

Sehun headed anywhere his car could take him. He did not care if he got lost; he did not care if he did not know where his mind was leading him. He just wanted to be away from their apartment, which he could once call home with Luhan in it. He took five days off despite his boss’s protests, wanting to sort himself out. He needed to think, to clear his head, to contemplate about the situation without any distractions. This was one of the major decisions that he would do in his life, and he wanted to make sure that it would certainly be the right thing to do, even if it would hurt him and Luhan.

He did not know how he ended in a lone town with barely any citizens in it. The town was quiet, even ghostly quiet that it somewhat freaked Sehun out. As he was walking, everything seemed to be coming back to him. Meddling with the brand-new buildings were familiar establishments that changed the slightest, but were still in their old glory. Only some people were present on the streets. Some women—some of them oddly familiar to Sehun—were holding basins with piles of dirty clothes, making Sehun think that they were probably taking water from somewhere else or maybe to a laundry shop. A few of them were casually strolling, wearing school uniforms that Sehun would never forget in a million years. A handful of them were wearing professional clothes, rushing towards the direction of the subway station near the parking lot Sehun dropped off.

He continued dragging his luggage, his wandering eyes scanning the panoramic view of the place he once considered his home. He saw his old house—now an abode of a happy family of three—along the way to the motel he would lodge in. No matter how his old house aged, he could still tell it apart from all the other buildings in their old town.

How could he not? There in that house, the happiest memories of his childhood had taken place. His late parents made that small bungalow a home, making him know what love really was. Right beside it was a forlorn view of a two-storey house which was currently for sale. It still looked lonely and cold as ever, just like how Luhan felt when he was still dwelling in that mansion.

That was one of the many reasons he befriended Luhan anyway; the gloomy boy felt deprived of love since his younger brother who seemed perfect in everything came along.

 

 

Sehun finally reached a cheap motel located at the middle of the town and decided to have a daylong rest first. He spent the night contemplating about a lot of things, like how and why the hell he came back to their godforsaken hometown, and how to patch up things with his boyfriend.

 

 

 

He did not realize that his glassy eyes were shedding tears until he drifted to sleep.

 

 

 

The male woke up at about ten in the morning, which was something he never did during his three years of working. He always rose at an early hour every working day partly because he needed to be present at his workplace early and partly because he wanted to join Luhan in breakfast even if they always ended up quarreling over the table.

 

Despite sleeping for more than twelve hours, Sehun did not feel refreshed at all. He was not used waking to a cold, cramped bed without a certain deer clinging on him for his dear life. It did not certainly help that the weather at that time was chilly from the autumn breeze signaling the coming of winter.

He always woke up to the smell of Luhan’s hair, whose owner always came back to bed to snuggle with Sehun even after making breakfast. Sehun missed Luhan’s beautiful smile while mumbling a tiny ‘good morning’ followed with a kiss, and sometimes, when it was still early, a good morning booster of sweet love making. Sehun was definitely not used to the empty feeling inside his chest that only his angel could fill and satisfy.

Somehow, he was thinking if his decision was right, but he did not want to be hurt anymore. He probably sheltered and spoiled Luhan a little bit more than what he intended, making the Chinese male think that Sehun would always lightly deal with the pain Luhan was inflicting on him. Or maybe, Sehun was a bad boyfriend. Maybe his lack of time for Luhan made the latter insecure of himself to the point of no return. Maybe Sehun was not giving Luhan the love he needed, was ignoring his efforts and was dense enough not to realize how Luhan was hurting—

“God, Oh Sehun,” the Korean male sighed, looking down on the warm water flowing down the icy tiles of the bathroom. “You are beating yourself again. Relax. Think. Be logical. Be rational.”

Sehun dried himself with a towel, dressed himself up in a worn out green turtleneck, dark jeans and a blue beanie. He almost forgot to grab his coat that he wore the day before due to rushing. He made sure that his wallet was fat enough to buy his late loved ones a decent amount of flowers, just like what he faithfully did for the past years.

 

Once he bought two bouquets of carnations from a nearby flower shop, he rode a bus to the local cemetery. It still made Sehun upset how he was not able to choose a better burial place due to his lack of money when he was still a student, but as he was walking down the cemetery path to his parents’ graves, he was overcame with intense grief and guilt.

“I am sorry, eomma, appa… that I failed to come to your birthdays this year due to my business trips. Dad, I am sorry that I did not give you a sufficient feast on your death anniversary. Gosh, now, I am even late for mom’s death anniversary and I have nothing to offer but flowers. I have no excuse other than the fact that Luhan and I were breaking apart and I was finishing a big project the boss entrusted me… that I, well, dumped to an officemate because I am currently a mess. See? Luhan is not even with me this time.” Sehun laid the bouquets on front of each parents’ graves and gave them respect by bowing on the ground.

Sehun went on telling about his chaotic lifestyle and how he was having trouble understanding how Luhan’s mind works. He talked and talked despite knowing that no one would answer his grumblings and pleas for help. He felt the burden inside him lightening even just by a little, and after about an hour of bonding with his loved ones, he bid them goodbye.

He walked back to the path where the bus passes, a morose and sullen expression present on his face. He was about to get there but then, something from the corner of his eye caught his attention.

A strikingly purple petal came flying to his direction, leaving a whiff of fragrance that Sehun’s heart remembered. He looked at the east, and he was dumbstruck to see a line of lavenders blooming in lines. Curiosity got the best out of Sehun and instead of hailing the upcoming bus, he ran towards the direction of the flower patch.

He was left speechless once he saw rows and rows of flowers of different species extending to the other side of the cemetery. His mind could recognize the place, but he could not tell what significance it had to his life.

He walked further through the patches, and time seemed to stop once his gaze landed on rows of yellow.

It was like the frozen memories melted into a clear picture of what _they_ used to be.

 

 

 _"Shixun! Shixun!"_ A bright, child-like voice rang in Sehun's ears, causing him to look back. A boy with curly hair and doe-like eyes was running towards the middle of the meadows, where a boy who was plucking flowers looked up to see his playmate.

 _"Hannie!"_ The other boy grinned with his pearly whites and his cold eyes crinkling into warm crescents. Realization dawned to Sehun once the effeminate boy collided with the taller one, tackling him down the ground with a bear hug.

The mispronunciation of his name, the loving bear hugs that he received and the shy pecks his cheeks were bestowed upon all reminded him of his childhood with the only boy he loved in his life. The melodious laughter, the squeaky voice and the beautiful singing in a foreign language...

 

 

 

_Luhan._

 

 

 

_"Sorry, Hannie was late," the seven year old kid pouted at the boy who was pulling his hand towards the yellow streaks of flowers. "Mama told Hannie to take care of Minki while mama was cooking."_

_"It is okay, Xiao Lu," replied Little Sehun who was clasping a bunch of sunflowers on his left hand. "We both know how important your brother is more than anything."_

_"But Hannie loves Shixun more," the young deer commented, making a young Sehun halt on his movements._

_"I love Minki and baba too, but I think I love Shixun a little bit more," the Chinese boy clarified, not minding that Sehun was not staring back at him. "Shixun comes to the level that I love mama, and I won't mind giving Shixun the only choco pie I have now."_

_Little Sehun turned to the sound of a plastic wrapper being ripped open, and saw Luhan holding the package of the sweet treat with one hand while his teeth tore it._

_"Chocolate?" Sehun beamed at the sight of his favorite treat and Luhan profusely grinned, showing his incomplete set of teeth. "Hannie just had his tooth plucked out, so Hannie wants Sehun to eat it instead."_

 

An adult Sehun watched from a distance, a smile playing on his lips while watching the two kids feed each other.

 

_"This is Hannie's favorite place," Luhan began once they settled on the grassy lands. His doe-like eyes scanned the colorful surroundings around him, which were lush greens decorated with specks of different hues. "Hannie loves the flowers so much, especially sunflowers!" A giggle escaped his lips as his bright, shining eyes locked with the streak of yellow flowers in the middle of the meadows. “Hannie is so thankful that Shixun showed this to him. Hannie loves this place! Hannie loves this just like how Hannie loves Sh—“_

_"F-For you," Sehun handed him the bunch of sunflowers in his hand, to which Luhan tilted his head in surprise. "For me? Shixun picked them for me?"_

‘I forgot that Luhan could be this cute,’ the adult Sehun thought while smiling to himself.

 _"We know that this is not allowed back at home."_ The adult Sehun chuckled heartily, remembering how his mother fussed over him giving almost all of her well-tended sunflowers to the pretty Chinese boy next door. 'Now I remember. Right. He always liked those yellow bunches more than roses.'

_The taller boy added, "in this special place, Sehunnie could give Luhannie as many flowers as he wants."_

_“Really?” Luhan beamed, and Sehun nodded along his playmate. Luhan excitedly grabbed the bunch of flowers from Sehun's hand, and the spectator of the view melted at the sight of his young lover looking at the flowers with his big, doe-like eyes._

_“They smell so fresh, Shixun!” Little Luhan commented after taking a sniff of the sunflowers. Sehun pulled one from the bunch and cut the stem, making Luhan’s face shift into confusion. Little Oh Sehun placed the flower on his cute little deer Lu Han’s ear, making the smaller of the two grin upon realization._

_“How do I look, Shixun?” Luhan laid his sunflowers down and stood, spinning on his spot with his arms outstretched to flaunt how he looked like. Little Sehun remained glued on his seat, dazed orbs looking up to his angel bathing in sunlight. Luhan looked ethereal as ever, only that a simple thing as a flower and the right timing of the sunlight’s beam shining down on him made him seem like he was a fairy._

_“Very beautiful,”_ the young and adult Sehun said at the same time, both answering in a breathless manner.

The smaller boy grinned at the answer, and before long, little Sehun was blushing beet red when his baby Lu’s soft lips pressed on his chubby cheeks.

"Were we really that cute?" An adult Sehun chuckled white witnessing the act on front of him. "How could I forget about those things?"

_"Next time, Sehunnie will make Luhannie a flower crown. Sehunnie promises." The cold looking kid held his pinky up on his childhood friend's face, and the giggling beauty stuck out his tiny finger to intertwine their fingers together._

_"Hannie believes," the younger beamed brighter if that was even possible._

 

 

 

Just like the way it came, the vision suddenly disappeared, leaving Sehun standing awkwardly in the middle of the meadows he never knew he walked on. He looked around, seeing that the flowers were slowly disappearing as preparation for the winter. Sehun wished that he came there when everything was in full bloom, wanting to see the beauty of the place where he had one of his best memories.

He did not know why, but the sight felt so real before his eyes. It was as if his heart led him to that place to find answers to his unspoken questions.

Seeing their childhood days made Sehun want to go back to those carefree days where they could just indulge in the warmth of each other’s love.

 

 

 

Instead of going straight back to the motel like he intended to do, Sehun walked around the neighborhood, wanting to get the best out of his vacation. Maybe visiting the places that he shared with Luhan back in the years, he would get the answers he was searching for.

Sehun saw the playground where Luhan and him often hung out at after their kindergarten classes. He passed by the small pond where the teenage versions of themselves often fished while talking about life. He attempted visiting the small town library where they often borrowed books, but sadly, he found out that it was taken down and turned into an arcade. He walked down the road which they took every time they go to school and he could not stop smiling while reminiscing those simple conversations they had. His gaze fell upon their old school building that he decided he would visit the next day. Perhaps, the court where they often played basketball, with Sehun losing to the skilled babe, would be his next. He planned on jotting down his agenda on his memo once he reaches his room, just in case that his mind would forget something.

While he was on his way back to the motel, his eyes befell on canopy-covered tables and chairs with customers chatting and eating. A medium-sized counter was located on the other end, where people of various ages filed in a line. Due to the fact that Oh Sehun was bestowed with a good height, he easily saw about four heads behind the counter. Two were holding trays, walking back and forth to serve the customers who were waiting on the other tables.

He went a little closer due to curiosity, and one of them, probably the oldest one with an auburn mullet, perked up from the cash register and grinned at him. Sehun, in surprise, cocked his eyebrow up, but the man only took it as an invitation to leave the counter after coaxing on one of his crew.

“Sehunnie?” A bright voice filled his ears, coming from the other man who _seemed_ to be in his early thirties. “Oh God. Oh Sehun? Is that really you?

“Pardon?” Sehun furrowed his eyebrows, squinting his eyes to make sure that he knew the other person. “Yes, it is me, but—“

“Don’t you remember me?” The smaller man frowned, clearly offended on the lack of recognition in Sehun’s voice. “How can you forget about your hyung like that? Hey, Oh Sehun, you always took your pretty boy here at this place even before you two realized that you both preferred dicks.”

 _How vulgar,_ Sehun thought, taken aback at the blunt remark.

“Doesn’t my attitude and my sass click in the loose gears of your mind? I doted on you since you were kids even if my business was small and that you were basically occupying a table for like, three hours—”

“Mr. Byun?” Sehun found himself saying, trying to make sense of the elder’s statement. The shorter male crossed his arms, displeasure evident on his face.

“Not because you grew taller than me gives you the license to forget me,” Mr. Byun grimaced before being pulled towards Sehun’s chest for a tight hug. “Baekhyun hyung! Oh my God. I am sorry that I did not recognize you. You looked older, so—“

Baekhyun pushed the younger male away, crossing his arms once again while glaring. “Oh, right. The first thing that this tall bastard told me after years of not showing his face to his worn out hyung is that I look older. How nice of you, kid.” The forty-something male scoffed. “Probably, you were taking the other highway to go to your parents’ graves so that was why I never saw you around. Don’t you want to see me?”

Sehun gasped, his hand naturally making its way to the back of his neck to rub it, feeling guilty. “Hyung, fine, I was taking the more accessible highway but it was not my intention to avoid you. You know, life was just busy so Luhan and I often went back to the city on the very the same day we visit.”

“Come on, hyung,” Sehun playfully nudged the elder and threw an arm around Baekhyun. “I am sorry, okay? I know what I did was wrong, but please forgive me.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes once he saw Sehun pouting at him while doing a bbuing bbuing aegyo. “Cut that shit, Sehunnie. You are like ten centimeters taller than me so just stop doing that cute act on me. That is not going to work on me anyway.”

Sehun’s lips stretched into a tiny smile when the elder male reached for his cheek, pinching it. “Anyway, where is your pretty boyfie?”

Baekhyun retracted his hand when the younger’s smile faded. It was replaced with a bitter expression, and Sehun’s eyes reflected the suppressed pain he bore inside him. “As you can see, we have some issues…”

“Lovers’ quarrel?” Baekhyun asked and Sehun shook his head as an answer. “I wish it is just a simple lovers’ quarrel, but it was quite big.”

“Hmmm… too bad. I had been wanting to see how he looks like now.” Sehun took out his phone at the indirect request and slid the lockscreen open. He went to the photos gallery and handed the phone to Baekhyun, who gasped, “wow, he was beautiful, but now, he is stunning! What a catch, Sehun-ah.”

Baekhyun swiped the screen, seeing more and more pictures of Luhan doing everyday activities with nonstop praises such as ‘he does not look like he is twenty-five, oh my gosh,’ ‘his eyes never changed. They are still as bright as ever,’ ‘why is his skin so nice? When I was his age…’

“You are whipped, kid. You are obviously kissing this deer’s feet.” Baekhyun said, looking at Sehun with a smug smirk.

“Maybe I am,” Sehun chuckled and grabbed his phone. “Now, now, you saw too much, Baek hyung. You might see more than what I do not intend to share with others.”

Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows in question, before morphing into ones of distaste. “You do _that_ nasty stuff?”

“Cannot help taking pictures and videos if my boyfriend is damn hot,” Sehun winked, and Baekhyun faked a gag. “Kids these days.”

“But seriously, he bloomed to be an alluring rose,” Baekhyun added afterwards. “I did not have an idea that boys can be so pretty.”

“Indeed,” Sehun hummed, “though, I wish that I may walk a flowery path with him again.”

“You know how I often stuck my nose on other people’s business before, but now that I grew older, well, I know better that some things are private,” Baekhyun reached for the younger’s head and playfully ruffled the gelled strands. “All I can offer is my listening ear, and maybe, some piece of thought from a man breathing for forty-one years in this disastrous world.”

The conversation went over the table, with Sehun sharing some tidbits of their situation. It took Sehun by surprise that Baekhyun’s answer at the end was a simple “if ever you grew tired of one another but you still do not want to let go, I think you need to look back to where you came from.”

“Like, in a sense of… how do I say this?” Baekhyun went on, clarifying what he meant. “Look back to the way you two used to be. Reflect on the times when you were in the beginning stages of your relationship, particularly the happy times. I do not know about others, but personally, I think that it might somehow bring back the feeling that you lost, or even find answers in there. Who knows; the answers to your troubles may be lying deep in the old times.”

“Thank you, Baekkie hyung,” Sehun smiled once Baekhyun was finished telling him some piece of advices that he mentally noted. He made a move to stand up but Baekhyun was quick to pull his hand.

“Uh uh uh,” Baekhyun shook his finger while playfully grinning at Sehun. “You really plan to leave without catching up with me, kid?”

Sehun blinked at the elder, who just tightened his grip on the younger male. “I will make your lunch free, so don’t worry about the money.”

“How can you…”

“Boy, I can hear the gong in your belly from a hundred kilometer distance.” Baekhyun clapped his hands, signaling for one of his crew to come and get their order. Baekhyun stood and pushed Sehun down the chair, causing the other to groan. “Now, now, Oh Sehun. Be a good boy to the ol’ Mr. Byun who always let you sit here for hours with your cute little boyfie. I have a lot to tell to you, and you have a lot more to tell me.”

 

 

As expected, talking with Mr. Byun took a lot of Sehun's energy. Even at such an age, the elder man was beyond energetic, though it was notable how much he matured. Baekhyun got rid of his terrible habit of shouting on someone's face and he was not pushing Sehun to say more if he sensed that the other was uncomfortable. He was obviously trying hard not to butt in Sehun's own business, but he was kind and wise enough to offer Sehun some helpful advices if he thought it was necessary.

 

 

Sehun was beyond thankful to have met Mr. Byun again.

 

 

Sehun was supposed to go back to the hotel room, but he was aware that the cramped walls and the cold ass bed did nothing to pacify the ache in his heart. He decided to have another walk right after talking with Baekhyun for two straight hours, wanting to inhale fresh oxygen and to see the wonders of nature.

 

 

 

Oh, who was Sehun even kidding? He knew that his personal oxygen tank was miles away, probably as blue as he was feeling.

Luhan was his oxygen. Luhan was his personal charger and energizer, the one that made Sehun not loathe his own existence in this cruel world.

 

 

Luhan had always been his first and last love, from the very first day he laid his eyes on him.

 

 

He loved Luhan even though he was too young to realize what he was really feeling for the beauty was beyond platonic. He always thought of Luhan as a younger brother to take care of, something he rarely did to people other than his family. Luhan often returned the favor by always standing by Sehun's side, like when he was occasionally feeling insecure about his lisp. Perhaps, it was rather comical because Luhan himself was having struggles with the language he was just getting used at, but in little Sehun's mind, it strengthened his desire to spend the rest of his life with his best friend.

Maybe, little Sehun's outbursts of wanting to marry little Luhan and their play marriage and dates back in kindergarten screamed a lot of how much he adored Luhan. He always thought Luhan was beautiful but thought of his attraction to the smaller boy as a phase that would pass, but it never did.

He realized that he was gay—or maybe just Luhansexual—during their preteen years when they were having a sleepover. Having first watched porn a few days prior, an adolescent Sehun had an erection while secretly watching Luhan change. It had been normal for them to show each other everything, but after his eyes were opened to what sexual attraction was, he could not help but notice how delicate Luhan was. Luhan was beautiful in form, with his slender body and soft, babyish, porcelain skin flashing before Sehun's eyes. The latter had to turn his back in shame once he realized that he was checking out his best friend. It did not absolutely help Sehun's dick and heart that every time they planned to sleep over each other's home, Luhan opted to snuggle close to his Sehunnie without Luhan's favorite stuff toy Bambi in between.

It did not also calm his senses that Luhan was clinging on him almost 24/7 like it was the Chinese boy's second nature. The confident ice prince turned into a jittery mess around his little bubbly princess. It grew worse when they became officially together, when Sehun became a gooey, saccharine lover who knew how to tend his beloved flower.

How could Sehun not love Luhan? Maybe it was Luhan's voice; how he called Sehun's name, giggled and laughed over the simplest things, pleaded Sehun to do him a favor and eventually, how angelic but sultry his moans sounded every time Sehun brought him to pleasure.

Perhaps, it was because of how pure Luhan's heart was. Luhan treated every creature with tenderness, seeing everything as a fragile flower to take care of, when in reality, the Chinese boy was an angel to be protected from this world. Luhan insisted that he was manly, but he always cried over cliche chic flicks and emotional stories. How ironic.

Luhan also respected his parents and loved his brother dearly despite being mostly ignored at home. He set aside all ill feelings towards the apparent resentment of his parents and focused on nurturing his already favored brother with attention and genuine concern.

Was it Luhan's endless support for Sehun? He always rooted for Sehun even if they were in different teams during sports events and school projects, not minding the weirded out stares he got from his schoolmates every single time he held a banner with Sehun's name on it. He helped Sehun gain confidence and did not mind nursing Sehun's breaking ego whenever the latter was down. He rarely got irritated at Sehun's antics and dad jokes, usually laughing his heart out no matter how absurd the remark was because he found Sehun cute trying to be funny.

Oh, how he acted like a second mom around Sehun. Luhan scolded Sehun for not taking good enough care of himself, and the former saw it as his mission to take care of Sehun even if his affluent upbringing made it hard for him to get used on household chores. He often complimented Sehun, cooed and pinched his cheeks, gave him sweet kisses and cuddled whenever he could. Luhan was also generous, and even if his filthy rich parents never gave him money more than what he needed, Luhan often found ways to give Sehun meaningful surprises.

Heck, he even gave Sehun a pair of matching Cartier bracelets _—the one Sehun was wearing up to that day—_ on their first anniversary back in their junior high school days. It was a lot more expensive at that time, and the fact that Luhan did not buy the designer pastel hoodie he had been ogling on for the past month just to buy the love bracelets told Sehun a lot about how the other treasured him.

Probably, Sehun was addicted to Luhan because of his ethereal beauty and elegance. Sehun thought Luhan looked the best every single morning, when the doe woke up with his hair disheveled and his body painted with the marks of Sehun's ownership from their love making. Maybe what was making Sehun want to hold Luhan close was his delectable scent, or the way his supple lips break into a gleeful grin as he enthusiastically snuggled against Sehun.

Probably, it was how his face scrunches up in concentration every time he answered his homeworks, studied for exams or when Sehun tutored him. His eyebrows knitted in a line while his forehead creased with every difficult problem he encountered. He whined and pouted whenever he came across a concept that was hard to grasp and Sehun was more than willing to help. Luhan was clearly doing his best and despite getting only the average scores, he never gave up.

And oh, as much as Luhan was good at the Rubik's cube and ball games, he constantly lost in most of the arcade games to Sehun. He would stomp his feet and nearly cry in agitation and the elder, right on the next round, would pretend that he lost just for his doe-like darling to be cheerful.

 

So tell him... _How could Sehun stop loving Luhan?_

 

 

 

"Kyungsoo, why are you playing with girls?" A woman in her middle 30s, probably the mother of the said kid hollered from their house's door. "You should play with boys your age instead of acting gay."

The kid, obviously embarrassed, hastily left his female playmates and ran to God knows where.

Sehun sighed upon the sight. Here were the adults again; making children believe about stereotypes and what the 'correct' sexuality was.

Painful memories came rushing by, especially from that one evening that everything changed. It was a week after their college graduation that Luhan received the turning point in his life.

 

 

_"Ahjusshi!" Sehun yelled in horror once he moved to catch his stumbling boyfriend. Despair and pain were written on a riled up Luhan's face, who was holding his sore cheek with his palm while Sehun was helping him balance on his wobbly feet. He already expected this to happen; but why did it still hurt?_

_"You son of a... you damn fucker!" Luhan's father raised his foot to kick on his faggot of a son but Sehun was quick to spin Luhan around, causing Sehun to receive the hit. They fell on the floor, with Sehun still wrapping his body around Luhan protectively._

_"No, don't hurt them! Don't hurt my son!" Luhan's mother cried, trying to pull her husband away from the couple but she was far too weak from crying to have ample strength. In rage, Luhan's father pushed her away and proceeded on hurling kicks on Sehun who was clinging around Luhan's crouching form._

_"Oh yeah? Your fucking son who was a faggot all along," Luhan's father laughed dryly that it sent chills to Sehun's spine. Even without looking, Sehun knew that there was a hateful glint in the elder's eyes with every wounding syllable leaving the latter's lips. "I always had an inkling that he was a queer motherfucker, but I never thought that he would have the guts to tell it on my face... So ungrateful. He wasted all the years that I fed him food on my table instead of crumbs, even if nothing was getting in his stupid brain. This bastard had no shame, forgetting that I was the one who dressed him up despite deserving rags and the one who made him study with my very own money. And what, he would come home, tell us he was dating another man, let alone some rat who we kindly accepted and let in. Fuck, I would never have let him in if only I know that these two were spreading their faggotry in my house."_

_It hurt hearing that, but it hurt more to see Luhan desperately trying to crawl out of his embrace._

_"B-Baba," Luhan whispered lowly, his eyes gushing with tears as he reached for his father's calf, "I-I am so s-sorry..."_

_"Don't you touch me you filthy whore!" It happened too fast, and it took Sehun several seconds to register that someone just dared kick his beloved flower right on his beautiful face._

_A wail was heard throughout the room, coming from Luhan's mother who was sobbing at the sight of her own flesh and blood being hit by a despicable monster. She wanted to intervene. She wanted to save the son she neglected for years but the fear of being hurt by her husband, the love of her life, paralyzed her senses._

_"You are not my son! You will never be my son! I do not have a twink of a son who is a dick sucker, someone who whores around for cocks and someone who is an immoral slut!" Sehun was the one who was kicked next after maneuvering his body on front of Luhan who he pressed towards his chest._

_God knew how Sehun wanted to kill the vile, detestable man that never even treated Luhan as part of the family but he knew that going to jail and leaving Luhan alone was the last thing they both wanted. Sehun knew that he was better off receiving all the jabs, abhorrent insults to his own deceased family, stabbing accusations of turning his son gay and the strong hits on his body to shield Luhan from every pain. Sehun was covering Luhan's ears all the time the former was mercilessly smote with the monster's fury, with Sehun doing everything he could to protect his one and only love. If only he was strong enough to pull the two of them out of the mess... if only he was powerful and rich enough to make the monster fall on their feet while begging for forgiveness... if only he was good enough..._

_"Don't you dare show your sissy face to our family again. Don't you even try to infect your brother when he gets back home from Paris or else I would not think twice disposing you and that pauperish boy toy of yours," were Luhan's father's last words before they were kicked out to the stormy night outside the extravagant mansion._

 

 

With all due respect, they started taking the other road every time they went to visit Sehun's parents' graves annually, even when the entire family except Luhan's brother Minki moved back to China a year after the incident. Luhan did not want any contact with his brother and mother in fear of their safety in his father's hands, so after having a long heartfelt talk with each one of them over the phone, Luhan never contacted them again. He checks the website of his brother's company—a famous fashion brand in Paris that grew successful in just a span of a few years—once in a while to keep track of his achievements but never once did Luhan sent him an e-mail.

 

 

 

_“What will you do if ever we part one day?” A seventeen year-old Luhan asked while they were snuggling under the covers. It was Luhan’s birthday in a few hours, and his mama and baba let him stay in his best friend’s house which was just beside their mansion. It was a weekend and they had finished all their homeworks the day before so they were free to hang out as long as they wanted._

_The question was said out of the blue that it caught Sehun off guard. “Why? Are you going back to China?” He pulled apart from Luhan, gazing at his boyfriend who was startled at his abrupt action and question._

_“What? No!” Luhan exclaimed, but quickly covered his mouth upon realizing that he said it way too loud. Sehun’s room was merely separated by a thin wall from his parents’ room, and they might wake up at Luhan’s sudden outburst._

_“Boys, go to sleep,” Sehun’s father groggily muttered from the other side before a snore was heard once again._

_“It is your fault,” Luhan grumbled to which Sehun answered, “why are you blaming me? Who the fuck shouted anyway?”_

_“Who won’t be shocked?” Luhan mumbled back, slapping Sehun’s arm. “Why will I go back to China, stupid? I have no reason to do so. My family is here in Korea, idiot.”_

_“Then what is that question for?” Sehun inquired, pulling Luhan close to his chest again._

_Luhan replied, “it is just that, I wonder if, for example, only one of us manages to get the scholarship in Seoul. What will you do?”_

_“If I pass and you do not, then of course, I will stay behind.”_

_“Are you stupid?” Luhan half-shouted, half-whispered to his best friend and lover’s ear. “Are you really throwing away your future just for me?”_

_Sehun frowned, not figuring out why Luhan could not fathom the obvious reason. “My future is you, Xiao Lu.”_

_“Cheesy,” Luhan snorted though the blush on his way said a lot about how pleased he was at the response. “But what if I am the one who passed? What will you do?”_

_“If that is the case then it is impossible that I won’t pass,” Sehun cheekily answered that caused a gasp to leave Luhan’s lips._

_“Wow, how humble of you, Oh Sehun,” Luhan rolled his eyes at his boyfriend who was smiling smugly at him. “No need to rub it on my face that I am dumber than your smart ass.”_

_“You mean my smart, perky ass?” Sehun smirked, and Luhan simply clicked his tongue while shaking his head at his boyfriend’s remark. “You conceited bastard.”_

_Sehun cleared his throat, encircling Luhan’s lithe body with his protective arms.“Seriously speaking, Han. Of course, I am going to chase after you. I will take up multiple jobs to earn enough money just to follow you.”_

_Sehun planted a chaste peck on his lover’s hair, smiling to himself while nuzzling the flowery scent. “I won’t let you go away, baby. I know that I am more handsome than the men in Seoul, but who knows? Someone may charm you and steal you away from me.”_

_“I honestly don’t know if I should coo you and be touched.” Luhan squirmed a little, only to wrap his own arm around Sehun’s torso to pull him closer. “Duh, there will be no one to replace Oh Sehun in my life.”_

_Sehun gave him an unsure look, and though Luhan knew that the other was teasing him on purpose, he decided to play along. “Do you know what you are talking about? If there would be one who should worry, it should be me. You are way better than me in any aspect, Hun-ah. I am actually afraid of leaving you alone here. What if those girls who had been pining for you since we were kids suddenly have your interest?”_

_“I already made it clear before, right?” Sehun replied, looking deeply to Luhan’s shining orbs. “I am not interested with anybody; only with the deer of the dawn I met who I fell in love with when I was just six.”_

_“Shut up,” Luhan giggled, playfully smacking the other boy’s chest. There was silence, and the only sound they could hear was the rhythmical beating of their hearts. When Luhan felt himself gradually falling into slumber, Sehun suddenly spoke._

_“I am worried. What if I do not become successful? What if I won’t get rich like I promised you before? Then we won’t be able to buy the whole Korea. I would not have anything to brag about once we tell your family what we really are.”_

_Sehun thought that the smaller teen already drifted off to sleep. He placed one last kiss on Luhan’s hair after mumbling a tiny ‘advance happy birthday, didi.’_

_It caught him in surprise when he heard a low mumbling coming from Luhan’s lips who was probably dreaming. The words may sound garbled due to Luhan’s occasional snores, but Sehun’s heart understood each and every word clearly. “Who needs the whole Korea… who even needs the whole China, the whole Asia… the whole wide world when I have Oh Sehun by my side? I do not care about what anyone says. All I know is that… when I have Sehunnie, I can conquer the world."_

 

 

 

The dream seemed real, like it just happened yesterday. Sehun’s throat hurt from letting his mouth hang open as he slept, but still, the words tasted sweeter than honey on his tongue.

The moment was so surreal that Sehun felt that Luhan was still curled to his chest, only to be woken up by the truth that he was lying alone in a motel room, feeling _cold, downcast, heartbroken._

Sehun looked at his left, only to see that he forgot to turn the lamp off. Probably, he fell asleep trying to remember the old times when they were still happy and contented by the simple life they once had.

“Han does not like it if I waste energy,” Sehun muttered to himself while turning it off.

 

 

It was when he closed his eyes once again that the truth unveiled itself on him.

 

 

 

 

_‘Maybe this is the answer._ _He does not need anything else. Han does not need the world. Han does not need the moon and the stars. He only needs me... and I only need him.’_


	2. Warm

_"He smiles at me, and I am suddenly seventeen again - the year I realize that love doesn't follow the rules, the year I understood that nothing is worth having so much as something unattainable."_

_\- Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper_

 

_"A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again."_

_\- C. JoyBell C._

 

 

\----

Luhan was angry. Not at Sehun, not at the world, but at _himself._

 

He knew that Sehun was innocent. He knew that his boyfriend would never cheat on, replace and dump him. Sehun was a saint; no way on hell would he throw away the almost two decades they have known each other. Sehun loved him; Luhan could see it at the way his lover looks at him. He knew how Sehun was doing his best to give Luhan the time they needed for each other all in a while climbing the corporate ladder. He knew that Sehun was just doing all he could to provide the two of them with the life they both dreamed of.

 

 

_But what did Luhan do?_

 

 

 _Ten years…_ ten years of being officially together, and almost _twenty years_ of standing beside each other at all times... He wasted the twenty years they built through the foundations of their love and companionship just because he lacked something: _trust._

It was not that he did not trust Sehun; it only looked like that way for Sehun who did not know what to do anymore. Luhan knew where the problem lied. It was on himself; his insecurities. He could not get in any business firm because of his poor grades. He was forced to settle on a job that was far from what he finished, but what? Even that job was stripped away from him. It was not the job that became an issue to him. It was about proving himself worthy of Sehun’s love. It was about being useless and a burden to Sehun who did all his best to give him the moon and the stars.

It was about the irrational fear that he had nothing to offer Sehun anymore. Sehun already saw his flaws, and there was nothing about Luhan that Sehun was not aware of. Despite Sehun’s unwavering display of affection for him, Luhan could not help but think that Sehun would one day get tired of him. He could just worry about how Sehun would one day wake up and realize that there were more deserving people for Sehun’s love.

So, Luhan did what he thought he could never do: hurt Sehun. He hit Sehun. He scratched him, caused him to bleed and caused Sehun distress and sorrow. He burdened Sehun more with his demands, and soon, the day he was fearing of finally came.

 

 

 

_"I am tired, Han."_

 

 

_"Maybe we need a cool off."_

 

 

_"Maybe we need a break."_

 

 

_"This cannot work this way, Han."_

 

 

Why was Luhan like this? Why couldn't he go back to his old, jolly, secured self? Why couldn't he be the Lu Han Sehun had fallen in love with?

Sehun was Luhan's slave in love. Luhan knew that he had his lover wrapped around his finger, and he took advantage of that just to make Sehun stay. He did not set his pride down despite knowing that he was the one who was often at fault. He was the one who was always pursued by Sehun, making Luhan wonder where his boyfriend got the inexhaustible source of never-ending patience.

 

 

Perhaps, that's what someone gets when blinded by love.

 

 

Sehun was always patient with him ever since they were young. He was the one who raised Luhan's spirits and ego, trying to wipe the scars and open wounds of his childhood away. He was the one who always listened to the Chinese male's grumblings about how lonely he felt at home. He was the one who made Luhan feel beautiful and smart despite being one of the students who barely passed high school and college.

Sehun was the one who tutored him even if the Chinese male had difficulty understanding the simplest concepts on their subjects. He was even the one who waited for Luhan to finish his remedial classes every Friday. He even bought the deer his favorite foods to cheer him up and make him feel special.

Sehun was the one who accompanied Luhan in finding a job, even if there was no person in his right mind who took an idiot like him in as a translator. He was the one who went with Luhan to Minseok, Luhan's good friend, to ask for a job in the eldest's café because Luhan was so eager to work and was not contented at the thought of staying like a damsel in their shared apartment. Luhan did not want to feel that Sehun was above him, even if he knew that was the truth. He wanted to at least prove himself that he may not be as bright as Sehun, but he could manage to support the two of them, too.

Sehun treated him like he was made of glass. He never hurt Luhan. Whenever they were making love, Sehun was always gentle and took things slowly just like how Luhan wanted. He never moved unless Luhan adjusted, and he never was rough unless Luhan asked for it. Whether Sehun lacked kinks or he was suppressing his urges in fear of triggering Luhan's memories of being hit by his stepfather, Luhan was thankful that he never experienced any spank or humiliation. As boring as it sounded, both of them were contented by succumbing to vanilla sex since day one, treating the act merely as another way of connecting with each other's soul.

Lastly, Sehun endured all the shit and unnecessary angst Luhan had for the past year. He never once laid a hand on Luhan. The elder barely fought the younger; Luhan did not know where Sehun got such patience and tolerance. The Chinese male knew to himself that if he was in Sehun’s shoes, he would walk out of his lover’s life.

But no. Sehun could never do that... not at least before their major fight took place. Luhan knew that his beloved would throw his own life on the line just for the deer. Despite being aware of this, Luhan was still afraid. He was constantly denying it, but the reality was that his hidden fears of being not good enough and being replaced got awaken since he lost his job… _his pride._

There were a lot of gorgeous men and women in Sehun's workplace while he, _Lu Han, the shameful stepson of the filthy rich Mr. Choi—Lu Han, who never brought anything good to the family,_ was a hopeless bum not given a chance to prove his abilities in his chosen career. Who would want a Chinese male who barely passed his college semesters for a difficult job such as being a translator? Maybe, he won't even be accepted as an office boy because of his incompetence and lack of common sense.

He could only be jealous of Minki. His younger half-brother had always been the golden child of the family, and most of the time, he felt like his mama and step baba loved the younger more. Who would not love Minki? The boy looked similar to Luhan, only that the younger was bestowed with more intelligence, confidence and riches that Luhan never had back in his early years.

Luhan loved Minki dearly; it was just that he felt sorry to himself that he could do nothing for his family—not even his own mother—to be proud of him. Who cared if Luhan excelled in ball games? Who cared if he had the voice of an angel? The world was searching for professionals, and he was sure that even if he took the path of an athlete or a performer, his naïve self would not be able to survive the pressure and need to be the best.

While he was wallowing in self-pity over his soon-to-be-broken relationship, Minki was busy running his own fashion clothing line firm in Paris, designing for celebrities hither and thither. Mr. Choi was busy paving the way for his own flesh and blood to be a successor of the company, and Luhan’s mother was occupied with her own responsibilities in the company.

Maybe that was why Luhan's real baba left him and his mama; maybe he was fed up with how useless and frail Luhan was. Probably, the sight of his only son looking like a complete sissy weakling disgusted Mr. Lu to no end that he did not think twice flying back to China.

 

 

 _Oh Sehun._ He was no different. Sehun was an achiever. Sehun was surrounded by people who had excellent degrees and exemplary grades in college while Luhan was a hopeless case. Sehun was constantly mingling with the higher ups and he was the definition of a self-made man. He did not need any material resources like Luhan to survive the world. When there seemed to be no way, Sehun made one. When the world was against Sehun, the zealous, determined male committed himself to his dreams and fought his way to the things he achieved now. He did not let his pitiful social condition get on his way to become an aspiring civil engineer and that made Luhan feel smaller.

 

Luhan thought that being himself was enough; but no. Losing the only job who accepted him was enough to trample on his pride and made himself feel unworthy of Sehun’s affection. He wanted to let him go but he could not. He loved his best friend and lover way too much that it came to the point that he was losing himself.

Their last fight proved that Sehun could leave him anytime he wanted. Apparently, Sehun woke up from the illusion that Luhan was an angel. Probably, his lover was now aware that he deserved someone way better and that Luhan was not the only beauty in this world. Maybe, Sehun was never coming back, too fed up to deal with Luhan and his stupid insecurities.

 

 

 

Luhan planned to go abroad; maybe throw himself in the middle of the warzone to end his life. He planned to go to the highest tower—maybe even a mountain—not minding if he was terribly scared of heights. All he wanted to do was to jump, die, and forget the pain he inflicted on himself and Sehun.

But how could he do that? He knew that he did not want to spend his last breath thinking that Sehun hates him. Add in the fact that majority of his money was in Sehun’s bank account, and that Luhan did not have the card on hand. All he had were some cash that he could use to make his disconsolate self spent and worse than his current state.

He bought a few cans of beer, drowned himself in despair as he danced to obnoxiously loud music. He did not worry if a neighbor knocks on the door to remind him how he was not alone in this world and that he was disturbing the others’ peaceful lives. He did not mind that he looked crazy, moving his limbs off beat in the middle of their fancy apartment, singing off tune to the senseless music reverberating in the whole house. He did not care if he was waking up with nerve-wracking hangovers for the past two days and that he was basically consuming alcohol and coffee in those days.

 

 

 

He could only grasp the fact that Sehun walked out of the door _that day_ without even looking back, leaving Luhan heartbroken and devastated.

 

 

 

Why did he turn out like this? How did everything became a mess? What had gotten into Luhan’s crazy mind that he unknowingly pushed Sehun away?

Was it worth giving a try to fix their relationship? Did he still stand a chance after every single hurtful jab and word he gave Sehun’s fragile heart?

 

Luhan had enough. On the last few hours of the third day that Sehun was away, he struggled to pull his limbs up. He fixed the unbelievable mess he made in the past three days, put everything in order and made sure to dispose his trash in the bins. He got himself ready for a trip, randomly throwing some pair of clothes in his bag. He washed his face, not bothering to shower despite being the neat freak he was. He slipped in mismatching clothes, too depressed to even bother being the fashion guru he had always been. He grabbed his wallet without counting the amount of cash inside. He got his phone and bag, dashed out of the house and ran to the nearest bus stop.

Once aboard, curled to the farthest corner of the bus, he started listening to heart-wrenching ballads that he would not do in any other ordinary day. He covered himself with his hoodie, letting the sad music boom through his earphones as tears started streaming down his face. He was far too immersed in the thoughts of Oh Sehun’s whereabouts that he did not bother answering the concerned question of his seatmate.

Luhan had been sobbing uncontrollably, not making any efforts to hush it despite the disapproving glares of the other passengers. He was looking out of the window, his mind drifting off to where his heart belonged.

 

Was Sehun eating? Was Sehun sleeping a blink during the days that he was away from Luhan? Was Sehun in a club, partying, hooking up and drinking his worries away? Was Sehun also in the same state as him: drained, despondent, lonely, broken?

 

He got off the bus a couple of hours later, setting foot once again to the place where he first met the love of his life. The dawn’s breeze made his body shiver, and how he hoped that Sehun was there, warming him up with his tender loving touches and soothing voice.

He was crying on his way to the nearest motel, his hand barely grasping his bag in sheer exhaustion. He was tired. He was tired of crying, making himself wasted, remembering all the pain that he himself started. He groggily took the keys from the receptionist, and trudged upstairs to the only room available.

 

The next morning, he woke up with an incessant pounding inside his head. Maybe it was the carryover of his abuse to his body in the past days. He went out of the motel and searched for the most decent eatery in the place in hopes of calming his raging stomach. He walked further, and he saw a set of canopies with chairs and tables, which were mostly empty because it was a goddamn early hour.

There were two people on the line, and he joined in, looking at the colorful menu to choose whatever food suited his taste and limited cash. Though, everything seemed to be in a blur because of his dizzying headache. It was a high-pitched voice that made his head snap up.

“Are you Sehun’s boyfriend?” A cheery male who _seemed_ to be in his early thirties greeted him, and he nodded without even thinking.

“Oh, as I have wondered!” Soon, two hands were pinching his face, with the smaller male squealing right on the deer’s face.

"Ouch, mister,” Luhan squirmed, trying his best to recall the elder gushing on how cute he was. “It hurts.”

“Don’t you remember me?” The elder asked with a pout, and if it was not because of his name tag, Luhan would not remember. “Byun Baekhyun... Oh, Mr. Byun! The ‘kkaebsong’ guy who always gave me ice cream when I was young!”

“Thank goodness,” Baekhyun withdrew his hands from the younger male and patted his chest in relief. “At least you remembered me! Sehunnie had the audacity to step in this place without recognizing me. That jerk.”

“Sehun?” Luhan’s eyes protruded, unconsciously backing away from the elder male. “H-He went here?”

“Yup,” the elder nonchalantly answered, “he is in town. Well um, I am not sure when he would leave. I just know that he would come here in a few minutes for breakfast.”

“What!? Right now?” Panic was written on Luhan’s face, and before Baekhyun could babble about how long he talked with Sehun, the younger Chinese boy was out of sight.

“Hey, Lu, uh… Luhan? Luhaen? Yeah. Whatever. Luhaeeeeeen! Wait! Aren’t you going to order? Your favorite pork ribs is currently being grilled!”

 

 

 

Luhan ran. He knew that he was not ready to face Sehun yet. Sehun could not see him in such an ugly state. He could not face Sehun yet with his mind unclear and disorganized as this. That would certainly only lead to a fight that would probably end their relationship for real.

He did not know what to tell Sehun yet. Tell Sehun that he did not want to do this anymore? He could never lie about not wanting Sehun. Tell him that he was sorry? Would Sehun even believe that crap after everything Luhan did? Promise not to show his face after that? He could not certainly live a day knowing that Sehun was happy with not seeing him anymore.

He gradually slowed down, his tired legs finally coming to a halt as his foot hit something rather hard. He stumbled on the ground, wincing in pain and annoyance together with a series of curses.

His eyes fell at the sight before him, and he gaped upon realization of where he was.

"Sandbox..." Luhan murmured under his breath while scanning his surroundings.

 

 

It was the playground where everything started.

 

 

 

Before Luhan knew it, he was staring down at a small boy crouching down on the sandbox. His clothes were a bit muddy for some reason, and his face could not be seen because his curled fists were covering his eyes.

It was a rainy day, and the sky was dark and roaring. The kid seemed not to care about the heavy pelts of the downpour drenching his small body by the manner he just pulled his folded knees closer to his chest and buried his face on them.

Luhan did not know why, but he was not feeling any wetness on his skin.

By the looks of it, the boy with curly, fluffy hair was crying. His narrow shoulders were shaking with every sniffle, and Luhan quickly felt compassion for the boy. He crouched down the boy's level, intending to pat the poor creature's head, but his hand just slipped past the boy that he realized was probably an apparition.

Soon, he heard a series of hurried steps from the left. Luhan craned his head towards the direction of the sound, and his eyes widened in shock once he saw who was coming.

'Sehunnie?' Luhan blinked at the younger version of his lover who was immediately running to the crying boy with an umbrella. The boy was holding an umbrella larger than his slender frame, which was pretty useless to be very honest, because the weight of the umbrella and the strong winds were causing it to sway backwards, making Sehun’s front wet.

Even from afar, Luhan could already tell that it was indeed Sehun. No matter how much Sehun turned from a lanky, spoiled child to the muscled gentleman he grew to be, Luhan could never forget those set of piercing eyes that always saw through the Chinese male's soul.

Sehun with the baby cheeks and fats or Sehun with a sharp jawline and slender body; Sehun with his cold, calculating stare or his gentle, beautiful crescents, Luhan still knew the familiar warmth emanating from Sehun’s being.

 

 

 

That was the very reason Luhan fell for him anyway.

 

 

 

_"Luhan?" A young Sehun asked, his usually cold, distant orbs turning into warm ones while hurriedly covering the shivering boy with a coat he brought with him._

The adult Luhan gasped at the sight of his younger self raising his head to meet the concerned gaze of his former classmate in kindergarten. The older Luhan trembled as all the painful memories of his childhood came rushing by, which somehow started going away since that very day in the rain.

_"Shixun?" Luhan blinked at the taller guy who was now on his eye level, holding a wide brimmed umbrella larger than his frame. "W-What is Xun doing here?"_

_Sehun, knowing that the boy had trouble with the accent chose not to correct Luhan about his name. "Shouldn't Sehunnie be the one to ask Luhan that?" Sehun furrowed his eyebrows at the drenched male, worry evident on his small face. "Sehunnie left something important in the sandbox, so he came to get it. Sehunnie did not know that Luhannie is here."_

_"Sh-Shixun means this?" Luhan fumbled something from his pocket, and when he showed it to Sehun, a bracelet came to view. Sehun could not bring himself to care about it though; all he saw was Luhan blinking at him with big, swollen eyes. The boy's body was shivering, and in a brilliant Sehun's mind, he could tell that Luhan was sitting there for a long time._

_"Why is Luhan even here?" Sehun inquired, reaching for Luhan's forehead with his free hand, only to find it burning. "Luhannie's hot! Luhan should be resting in his house instead of being here!"_

_"Luhannie wanted to play," the Chinese boy explained, causing the adult version of himself to feel his heart crushing at the memory._

_"Luhannie cannot play when there were other kids here. They do not want Luhan to play with them because Luhan is a lowly Chinese. Luhan is different. They dislike Luhan because he is weak and girly. Luhan can only sit on the sandbox because they do not want Luhan to play with them at the slide or the swing or the see-saw or everywhere." The young boy's face fell once again, eyes shedding a new set of tears. "Now Luhannie is alone and can enjoy everything by himself. But why does he still feel sad? Luhan's chest hurts more than a boo-boo does."_

 

_"Hannie..." Sehun trailed off, not knowing what to say at such a young age. Luhan, who was crying once again, lamented on how much he felt._

_"They hate Luhan because Luhan is different. They laugh at Luhan’s accent. They hurt Luhan. They do not even want to talk with Luhan. It makes Luhan sad but he cannot do anything,” the smaller boy wailed, throwing his arms in the air in distress. “No one loves Hannie, maybe not even mama.”_

Luhan watched as his younger self sobbed, rubbing his eyes with his tiny fists to stop his tears but to no avail. It almost made Luhan laugh on how much he was trying to be manly ever since he was a child, but his chuckle died down his throat as he watched Sehun reaching for little Luhan’s closed fist.

_Little Luhan looked up in surprise at the sudden grasp on his hand. He opened his hand as Sehun wanted him to do, and the taller of the two got the bracelet from Luhan’s hand. Little Luhan tried to pull back his hand, but Little Sehun held it tight. He slipped the bracelet on his classmate’s dainty wrist, making Luhan forget his cries. The deer wore a confused expression, tilting his head to the side as a silent question._

_Sehun was quick to understand the gesture and he said, “Sehunnie was so afraid to lose that. Sehunnie asked eomma to buy that because Sehunnie wanted to give it to Luhannie.”_

_“Me? For me?” The doe-eyed child blinked, his big eyes fixed on Sehun’s chocolate brown ones. The child nodded, gulping the lump that formed in his throat at a feeling he did not know before was nervousness. “Mmm. A friendship bracelet.”_

_“F-Friendship bracelet?” Luhan gaped at the taller child who was patiently holding the heavy umbrella in the middle of the rain. “B-But Shixun, we are not—“_

_“Sehunnie wanted to lie, but eomma said that only bad boys lie.” A tiny, bashful smile appeared on the boy’s usually stoic features. He felt his face heating up for an unknown reason as he confessed what his mind was screaming. “Sehunnie wanted to befriend Luhannie since Lulu came to the neighborhood and school but Lulu kept on going home early.”_

Luhan noticed how his younger self grew flustered, maybe because of the new nickname that Sehun gave him, or because of the surprising revelation that the kindergarten’s golden child wanted to befriend someone who seemed an odd peasant.

‘Am I that cute when I was a child?’ Luhan giggled, watching himself stare in astonishment at Sehun.

_“Shixun? Befriend Luhannie?” Little Luhan asked, to which Little Sehun profusely nodded._

_“Yes! Luhannie is so pretty and cute. Luhan looks like a little deer, a fairy, an angel… even a flower! Luhannie has the kindest face Shixun ever saw. Lulu even looked prettier than the girls in class. But of course, eomma is still more beautiful.” Sehun frowned, thinking if what he said made sense to the other child. “Sehunnie was just too shy to approach Luhan.”_

_“Shixun, what are you doing?” The deer inquired when he felt himself being dragged upwards until he stood on his wobbly feet._

_Sehun answered with a roll of his eyes that was totally not normal for mannered children like him. “Duh, Sehunnie is taking Lulu back at Lulu’s home.”_

_“But mama and baba are not yet home,” a teary Luhan replied, “Luhan is afraid of being alone.”_

_“Then why is Lulu alone here?” Sehun continued dragging the pretty boy while trying his best to balance the umbrella on his other hand. “Come home with Sehunnie. There are lots of food that Sehunnie wants to share with his new friend! Well, Sehunnie has a few toys, but still, eomma cooks the best! Luhannie will like it there!”_

_“But Shixun…” The deer tried to protest, but the spoiled Korean child was relentlessly pulling Luhan with him. “Sehun will take care of Luhan. Lulu is sick! Luhannie cannot get sick. Luhannie cannot die yet! Luhannie still has to play with Sehunnie!”_

 

 

The vision faded once footsteps were heard from the side of the road. Luhan turned his head and saw students, probably a group of friends, walking together towards the direction of a school. The uniform was oddly familiar to Luhan, and once realization struck him, his feet led him towards the group of students to ask about their school.

“Yes, that is our school, mister,” one guy answered at Luhan's question, “are you going there?”

“I am an alumnus there, and it has been like… seven years since I last stepped in there. Can I follow you through the way?”

 

 

 

Walking towards their school was nostalgic for Luhan. Indeed, the paved roads were a lot better than the rocky pathway he used to walk on. There were even vehicles passing the vicinity unlike their time, but the sweet memories of walking down the streets with Sehun every single school day lingered at the back of his mind.

That road was where they talked about random things, such as how this teacher was merciless in giving tasks, about that one classmate who shamelessly kissed an upperclassman in the cafeteria, the cat that was terribly noisy the night before, how Minki injured his foot during PE class, how horrible the recipe Sehun tried turned out to be, and a lot of trivial stuff that meant a lot to Luhan. They fought, they shouted at each other and hurled each other immature, childish arguments on that very pathway. Still, Luhan could remember going to school together even when they were in their usual petty fights, with a large gap separating the two of them, of course.

On that very road, they talked about each other’s dreams. They told each other of the deepest secrets of their souls while walking back to the neighborhood. Most of their playful bantering and bonding during the busy examination days happened on that street. They even had their first kiss on that road, under an umbrella during a heavy downpour.

All of the forgotten memories came rushing back in Luhan’s mind, making him wonder how long Sehun and him were sharing their lives together. How could he forget of the times that they sat under the old oak tree in their school’s garden, telling each other of their dreams for their future? How could he bury the memory of reading a book together in the library, giggling to themselves for reasons only them could understand? How could he not remember how they fooled around, struggled through the hectic high school life and survived, because they were there for each other?

Was it because they were preoccupied with major matters that they forgot how sweet and pure their love for each other was? Were they taking the other's presence for granted that they failed to maintain the romance and joy they embraced for years? Was life crushing them to their limits that they started worrying about their own lives way too much?

Was Sehun even at fault? Was there really a problem, or did everything stem from the irrational fear of being replaced that led Luhan to the path of gradual self-destruction? Did Luhan turn into a monster that was tearing their relationship apart? Was he starting to chase Sehun away by clinging too much on him?

 

 

_"I will give you the moon and the stars if I can, Xiao Lu." A teenage Sehun said while gazing up to the night sky. They were having an overnight camping on the school grounds for some recreational activity the student council president of that year insisted on having, despite the strict school’s initial disapproval. The two could not sleep a blink, so they slipped off their respective tents once their groupmates were snoring loudly._

_They spread a large blanket on the grassy patches, laying together while looking up to the bright night sky. Sehun had his arms around his tiny lover, holding him close to his cozy chest. Luhan was tilting his head a little to gaze on the numerous specks of light on the dark veil covering the heavens, whilst resting his head on top of Sehun’s beating heart. His leg was thrown on top of his lover and best friend, and their bodies were covered with a thin blanket Luhan carried along._

_“Stupid. You know that that is not possible." Luhan faked a snort, rolling his eyes while landing a weak slap on Sehun’s chest. "You will burn into an unknown matter before you even cover a million kilometer distance."_

_"Who cares?” Sehun cocked his brow up, clearly displeased at the answer—logical answer—of his boyfriend. “At least I died with a purpose. I died trying to do something for my most favorite person in the world."_

_Luhan gasped, caught off guard at the unexpected answer. “Idiot. Stop being a cheeseball."_

_Sehun bit his lip for a while, not wanting to irritate his cute, blushing lover from his teasing laugh. “Why? You cannot bear glowing beet red because of my sweet words, baby boy?"_

_"Stop it.” Luhan jabbed his stomach with a rather strong punch, causing Sehun to wince in pain. “Awww, baby. You have such strong hands and arms. No wonder you could cling tight on me whenever we—“_

_“Do not even get me started, Mr. Oh Sehun,” Luhan narrowed his eyes, trying his best to look intimidating but Sehun could not take him seriously with his cute pout and rosy cheeks._

_“Stop,” Luhan whined childishly once Sehun started pinching one of his cheeks. “It hurts, you jerk.”_

_“But you are so cute to resist,” Sehun mumbled, whispering to the deer’s fluffy tuff of hair before ruffling it. “I will die early if you won’t stop being cute, baby Lu.”_

_The night went on with a lot of playful bantering and some naughty touches initiated by Sehun, but Luhan could never forget how that night ended with him drifting to sleep at Sehun’s words._

 

_"Seriously, Han. I will try my best to give you everything that you wish to have. I will replace each and every painful memory with the happiest ones so you can only remember the joyful moments we shared. I will work hard to give you the life you deserve. If you want a two-storey house then I will give you a whole condo. When we get married in Europe, then I will buy you the rarest ring that you desire. If you want to live at the seaside, then I will buy all the beaches in Korea for you to choose from. When you do not want me to enter the army or you insist on going in with me, then I will protect you there or even run away from everything. If you want to go to the forest to live, I will dwell with you there and teach our children how to hunt for cute little Bambis like you. We can also adopt babies of different nationalities as you always told me you wanted to have. Also, if all the food in this world disappear, then I can offer myself to you, because, of course, the sweetest way of dying is because you laid your life on your beloved angel, right? Hahaha. Kidding."_

 

 

That was it.

 

Luhan froze, facing the very spot of their school camping grounds that was turned into a soccer field a few years after they graduated. His eyes protruded upon the realization of those ringing words that still tugged his heartstrings up to that day. It may sound cliché and dumb to other people to hear such exaggerated promises, but no. Luhan knew that Sehun could go that far just to make him happy.

Sehun could bear a thousand sleepless nights for each and every special projects he takes just to shower Luhan with material possessions. Sehun could push himself to his limits and bury himself under mountains of workload for Luhan to have every single thing Luhan wished for.

Apparently, that was the reason Sehun was pushing himself to his limits in his work, up to the point of sacrificing the time they should share.

 

 

He wanted to give Luhan everything, and with _everything_ , he meant _every single thing_ that Luhan asked for. If he could split his body to get multiple things done and neglect the need to sleep, Luhan knew that Sehun would.

A bitter chuckle left Luhan's lips. Why did it need to come to this point for him to realize what he needs to do?

He could have been more sensible and humble enough to admit what he really wanted. He could have just told Sehun what he really thought and maybe, there was no need to undergo this relationship crisis. He could have just said it out loud instead of hurting Sehun over the process of clinging to him.

For the first time in years, Luhan finally understood. Everything sank in the erstwhile proud male, and with that, he was determined to tell Sehun...

 

 

‘That is it. I need to let him know that I do not need anything else... I only need him. I need Sehun alone.'

 

 

He was ready to set off, to begin everything with a phone call that may or may not be answered, but before he could even reach for his phone, a great worry struck him.

 

 

Is Sehun still interested with him? Does Sehun still want every inch of him? Does Sehun still love him?

 

 

 

 

He was literally curling into a ball, gripping on his pillow that night once fresh tears started forming in his ducts when he remembered the day they first became friends.

 

_“How can Hannie repay you, Shixun?” The smaller boy asked, gratitude and a newfound joy gleaming in his eyes. "Hm... Shixun's house may not be as big as Hannie's, but Shixun's mom took good care of Hannie and fed him delicious food not cooked by maids and I really feel so happy today."_

_The taller boy mirrored the bright expression on the younger's face. Sehun crossed his arms while tilting his chin up proudly, as if the fact that he made his gloomy, bullied schoolmate happy boosted his ego. He opened his little mouth to answer, letting the answer slip out without realizing the depth of each word._

_“Don’t get sick. Don't die. Be Sehun's best friend. Be with Sehunnie forever.”_

 

 

 

Morning. It was the fifth day that Sehun was away from him, and Luhan was, again, walking around the neighborhood to search for answers.

He found himself standing on front of two houses. One used to be the home where he often stayed at, which was his boyfriend's home. It was in that place where he met two other people who treated him as part of the family and accepted his relationship with their son. Though their lifestyle was meek and simple, Luhan could say that he enjoyed dwelling there compared to the times he was at his own house.

Speaking of his own house, it was standing beside the shabby bungalow, alone and barren. _'Just like how I felt inside that house,'_ he laughed bitterly while trailing his eyes on the signage of 'FOR SALE.' The mere thought of stepping inside that damned house made Luhan shiver. All the loneliness, resentment and lack of self-confidence stemmed from the confinements of that very house. The only angel in that house that made him survive living in such a lonely place was his brother, who he had been missing every now and then.

It was as if fate heard his silent wish, that discreet footsteps where making way towards the broken male.

"Hyung?" A soft, shaky voice was heard from Luhan's back. The voice was oh so familiar, just like the presence of the said person standing meters away from him. Luhan’s knees were knocking together as tears threatened to pool in his eyes. The voice called out to him again, and his shoulders grew rigid and tensed without him realizing.

He badly missed that voice. He yearned to hear that voice for so long… for almost two years. He longed to hear that velvety tone addressing him as the man’s brother like they were linked by flesh and blood. He always thought of when he will be able to hear _him_ speaking to Luhan again, and finally…

He turned around, only to be met by the most pleasant surprise that somehow brightened up the dull colors in his life.

Luhan was nervous. He knew that the boy across him also felt the same. The other male stood with his trembling lips suddenly shaking and his eyes protruding in recognition of his elder half-brother. Tears were gently cascading down his beautiful eyes, and his high nose glowed a red color while sniffing every now and then. His lips were gently curling up to a bittersweet smile, and soon, he was walking towards Luhan who stood frozen on his spot.

Luhan woke up from his stupor once a pair of slender limbs crashed against his.

Luhan could feel his own knees knocking together; he knew that the boy pressed against him was the same. He aged, but he still had the same high nose, reddish lips, flawless skin and figure. The only things that changed were the high-ended apparel he was wearing and the nonexistent glow in his erstwhile shining eyes.

"Dongsaeng... I missed you."

 

They spent nearly an hour at a small coffee shop that Luhan believed did not suit someone as wealthy as Minki. They were chatting about their own lives, completely obliterating the topic about Luhan's lost of inheritance—if he ever had any in the first place—and disowning that took place about three years ago. His irrational fear of being awkward with his brother went down the drain when the other was obviously delighted to see him once again. He also appreciated how Minki did not ask about how spent and ugly Luhan looked at that moment, and where the hell Sehun was.

 

"Hyung." It was the tone that Minki often used when he wanted to say something important. Luhan knew it; no way in hell would Minki just visit their old house without any relevant reason. Luhan nodded, having an inkling that the topic would revolve around the man who never treated him as a son.

"He wants to see you." Luhan gaped at the unexpected statement. His hands turned clammy while clawing on the couch he was sitting on. His head hung low, not knowing what to say. Seeing that the elder was speechless, Minki heaved a sigh before continuing.

"Hyung... He had been battling his sickness since last year."

Luhan's eyebrows knitted in surprise. "S-Sickness?"

The younger of the two gave a solemn nod. "Colon cancer."

"Oh." Luhan mumbled, already expecting the sickness to be the one to destroy an old man who always indulged in meat, wine and luxuries.

"The doctors said that he only has a few months to live, and the first thing he did was hand me down the company."

"Why not give it to Eomma? I mean, you already have a fashion company abroad, so why..."

"Eomma wanted to remain as a board member of the company, nothing more. As for me, I sold the fashion company to a friend," Minki uttered with his lips slightly quivering from something akin to pain. "I do not want to remember any memories of... that again. Pursuing _who_... what I want should be set aside. I need to be a good son to Appa, and to do that, I need to focus on our family business. Also, Appa actually wanted you to see his lawyer to sign papers for your inheritance."

Luhan shook his head to decline. "I appreciate the thought, but I do not need any of his money. I am financially stable, and even if I am not, I will not take a single cent from your father."

 _"Our father,"_ Minki corrected, his lips pursed into ones of disapproval. "That was not the only reason he... even Eomma, wants to see you. They want to talk with you, too." Minki paused, taking a sip of his own espresso before adding, "Appa is still not, uh, fond at the idea of his eldest son dating the same sex, but I swear I can see him trying. Actually, he wants you to take Sehun hyung along—"

"I do not want to be rude, but what? His eldest son? That is bullshit, Minki." The elder took a rapid sip of his americano, clearly uncomfortable at the sudden shift of topic. "The last time I checked, he was hollering like he wanted the whole neighborhood to know that he has no faggot of a son. He nearly broke my boyfriend's back, and the bruises we got took more than a month to heal."

"Hyung, listen," Minki held up his hand, wanting to get Luhan's attention once and for all. "I do not want to offend you in anyway but please broaden your thinking. I know what he did was wrong, and the emotional scars of his wrongdoings may not fade unlike the physical wounds he gave you. But no matter what he did, he is still our father. He still helped us to be civilized humans and made us finish our studies. No matter how we hated the things he did to us—"

 _"We?"_  The elder cocked his eyebrow up, his knuckles turning white from his deadly grip on the table's edge. "Are you trying to make your statements lighter by including yourself in the bad picture?"

"No, damn it." Minki gripped his hair in frustration and his eyes looked like they would shed tears. "Listen, okay? He may not have hit me unlike what he did to you before, but he made me mad once I knew what he did to you. I somewhat blamed him for instilling concepts in my mind that are preventing me to achieve the happiness I want, but I realized that he is still my father."

"How can you not be happy?" Luhan scoffed, bitterness lacing each and every word coming out from his mouth. "You are basically swimming in fame and riches. You were spoiled to no end from our childhood and was treated a prince wherever you set your foot on. Now tell me, what happiness do you even want—"

This time, Minki was looking at Luhan as if pleading him to stop. "But in exchange of those things, I need to forget who I am, for the sake of the company, our family bonds..."

"I cannot understand you at all, Minki. Come on, you know how dumb your hyung is. Explain whatever the fuck you want to—"

"Let us just say that like my Xiao Lu gege, I prefer the more aggresive sex rather than the finer ones," Minki replied, looking straight in his brother's eyes. He wore a stoic expression on, but his harsh breathing and blown eyes said otherwise. At last, he spilled out the secret he had been hiding for years to the person he trusted the most.

Luhan was momentarily confused, trying to understand what the other was implying. It took him about ten seconds to get it, causing him to gasp. The acid of his own words tasted foul in his mouth and he regretted saying them at his precious brother. "B-B-But you da-dated a lot of wo-women—"

"Back in high school, yes, but when I went abroad for college, I realized why I kept changing girlfriends. I was never satisfied because like you, I like men. I dated my first ever boyfriend while I was in Paris. We are both Koreans, so we easily got along." Minki's lips pressed into a strained smile, finding it hard to continue what he was going to say. "Well, we were merry until the day I broke up with him because I am going to take over our family business. The reason I gave my fashion business to a friend is because... let us just say that a lot of memories were buried in that place and no way in hell would I want to remember each one of them."

It took Luhan about a minute to process everything, and he felt really sorry to see his brother fighting the urge to cry. "B-But, why? You love him. Why did you break up with him?"

"Again, I do not want to offend my lovely brother, but in father's point of view, he was already disappointed to lose one heir of his company. Eomma is also getting older so she does not want to be the one to inherit it. That leaves me with the only choice to continue the lineage. You see, appa cannot trust our uncles and aunts that are secretly plotting to get the company, so..."

"Minki, you know you do not have to do this." The elder of the two reached for his brother's big hands, clasping them with his smaller ones while rubbing comforting circles on them. "You know you have a choice. If he really loves you as his son, then he would accept whoever you are—"

"Unfortunately, I am unlike you, hyung." A bittersweet smile graced Minki's lips, one that broke Luhan's heart upon seeing it. "I am not brave enough to stand up for myself. I am afraid to lose everything I have. At least, you have Sehun hyung. Me? I had _him_ and my dreams, but I threw them away... because I am a coward who does not know what is truly important in life."

The two stayed silent, with the coffee shop's classical music playing in the background. Luhan did not know what to say. He rose from his seat, flopped down beside his brother and wrapped him in a tight hug. "I am sorry, baby..."

Minki merely chuckled, ruffling his brother's hair with affection. "I actually envy you a lot. When I heard what happened, I was, you know, somewhat relieved that you have Sehun hyung by your side. I know how happy you are with him, and I wished to share a lifetime with someone I love, too. But I guess that fate is cruel to some, and that includes a weakling like me."

 

 

Minki's last words before they parted and exchanged phone numbers were, "Luhan hyung, no matter what obstacles you meet along the way, do not let him go. Fight for him. Do not be a coward like me."

 

 

Luhan contemplated whether to accept the invitation of going to the hospital to see his father. He did not know if he was ready to face the vile man who brought pain to his poor heart in the past years. Also, if he visits, he would see the face of his mother who did nothing but cry back in the years Sehun was almost beaten to death. The pleading face and voice of his brother who just experienced a major heartbreak played in a loop in his mind, and he felt his head aching in so much worries.

 

 

His brother, stepfather, that woman who conceived him, Sehun... He was tormented to no end.

 

Was it time to forgive the people who made him feel unloved? Was it time to see them again? Was it time to face Sehun?

 

 

He was bombarded with a lot of questions that he did not notice that he was standing on front of a building. Before him was a place his mind could still vividly remember.

 

 

_An ice cream shop._

 

 

Just repainted, expanded, but the signage itself brought a lot of memories to the Chinese deer.

Besides the road, they often hung out at that place. Even if they were not a couple yet, that place became a haven and an escape to reality of the two haggard high school students. They ordered the cheapest flavors of ice cream because the two were broke. Even if Luhan's family was loaded, he was not given any money other than what was enough. If he wanted something them he either saves money or asks his parents permission to buy it. On those days, he tried his best to treat Sehun in exchange of the arduous tutorials and reviews. Sehun, being the top student and good best friend he was, patiently taught Luhan even if there were instances when he needed to repeat himself over and over again just for Luhan to understand a particular concept.

There were carefree days when they just went there to have chit chats, especially once they started dating each other. There were times when Luhan was too exhausted to drag himself home, so Sehun often studied in a lone corner with Luhan dozing off on his shoulder.

It was no surprise that it was in that ice cream parlor that they became official, right after Sehun topped on the first semester in their freshman year in high school. He could remember as clear as the day how Sehun gave him a bouquet of candied roses and a ring with a candy on it, and how jittery Sehun was while handing Luhan a handwritten letter filled with his feelings.

It was in those four corners that he poured his heart out to Sehun every time he was having some drama back at home, when a teacher humiliated him or a classmate mocked his Chinese ethnicity and his somewhat slowness in learning. Sehun could not do anything; he could not reprimand Luhan's parents for their severe lack of attention for Luhan, he could not just yell at the teachers who taunt Luhan on front of the class and he certainly could not fight every singler person who hurt Luhan.

Still, Luhan was contented with having Sehun listening to his every cry. He was satisfied with his best friend and later on, boyfriend, wrapping an arm around the sobbing deer while patting his back. He was comforted by the fact that Sehun lends his ears and shoulder to Luhan. Sehun did not care if they looked weird. Sehun did not give a fuck at the people staring weirdly at them and whispering awful words about 'their kind.' All that Sehun gave mind on was making Luhan feel that he was not alone.

Luhan was over the clouds with Sehun spoiling him in an attempt to cover the lack of attention he had at home. Sehun also made it a habit to squeeze Luhan's hand when the latter was scolded by the irrational academicians and sometimes, on very rare instances, standing up for Luhan and forgetting his status as one of the most polite and soft spoken model student. He protested if it was overboard, reasoning in the best way he could how it was unfair for the teachers to look down at Luhan with contempt and lack of belief in what he could do. He glared at his fellow students when the rude comments were beyond what Luhan could digest. He acted like an alpha male, protecting his mate, despite all the gossips circulating around the campus about their relationship and sexuality.

It was in the ice cream parlor that they could enjoy being themselves, dating like 'normal' lovers and not minding what the society thought of them.

 

 

He reached for the knob, giving in to the urge to enter the shop when a hand collided with his. There was a spark at the touch; the oh so familiar touch that was only reserved for him.

He looked up at the towering man who turned out to be his boyfriend, who looked as startled as he was. They froze on the doorway, staring at each other for several seconds before someone cleared their throat because they were blocking the way.

It was when they stepped away from the doorway that the truth sank in. The taller was the one who broke the silence.

"Xiao Lu?" He gulped, staring at the only person that ever called him in such an embarrassing but endearing nickname. "What are you..."

"Uh, vacation?" The deer who looked like he was caught on the headlights awkwardly answered, and he instinctively combed his tangled hairstrands in an unconscious attempt to fix himself.

He had been away from his boyfriend for like, half of the week. The last thing Luhan wanted to happen was for Sehun to see him at such a desparate state: hair disheveled, skin pale, eyes reddish in color and eye bags fifty shades darker.

He heard Sehun clicking his tongue, and before he could grasp the meaning behind it, gentle hands were placing a beanie on Luhan's head. He was aware of the warmth creeping on his face as he watched Sehun tucking his ears a little so that the beanie would cover half of his ears.

"Going out in such a cold weather without the proper wardrobe? Can't you take care of yourself properly?" Sehun gruffily muttered with disapproval and concern lacing in his voice, making Luhan glow a deeper shade of red. Luhan hoped that Sehun would think that his face was red from the cold, but he knew that the other could read him like an open book.

He so wanted to blurt out 'please take care of me' but instead...

"W-Why are you here?” Luhan asked, gulping a big lump when Sehun cocked an eyebrow up in question. “Am I not allowed to visit the place where everything began?”

"I-It is not that," Luhan waved his hands, a panicky look present on his features because Sehun mistook his question. "I-I was just.. surprised..." Luhan trailed off as his eyes diverted their attention from his boyfriend's face to the single stem of yellow that Sehun was holding. Also, Luhan could see a glimpse of the white gold Cartier bracelet Sehun was wearing.

 

 

Luhan knew how it looked like despite parts of it being covered by Sehun's sleeves, because the startled Chinese male was wearing his own bracelet at that very moment.

 

 

Sehun noticed the shift of Luhan's expression to a surprised one, and he heaved a deep sigh.

 

"I was planning to bring it with me back to Seoul. Makes me remember of the old times." Luhan did not miss the slight twitching of Sehun's lips, like he was soon to smiling at the simple memories. The taller handed the sunflower to Luhan who received it without a blink. Luhan did not know whether he was good at masking his feelings like Sehun, but all he knew was that he was dying from the turmoil of emotions inside him.

He snapped out of his trance when a melodious chuckle resounded in his ears. It was a genuine one, and Luhan had a hard time suppressing his own smile while watching his boyfriend covering his own mouth to stiffle his laughs.

“Why are you laughing?” Luhan inquired at the sternest voice he could muster, but he knew he failed when Sehun's eyes crinkled further.

“Call me lame but for me, it is just so funny. We went on a separate vacation but here we are, standing about a feet apart, unknowingly choosing the same place.” Luhan's rusty mind could not register the fact that Sehun was smiling at him. Not out of pretension, not out of sadness but of something akin to pure amusement. “Come to think of it. I can see how much we are made for each other.”

“Wh-What?” Even without looking at the mirror, Luhan knew that he made cherries turn away in shame at the bright red glow on his face. He knew that it was not because of the cold, but rather, from the warmth bursting inside his chest at such a simple gesture and remark. "What are you…”

Seconds later, his icy hands were enveloped by a warm set of his gloved hands. He blushed a shade darker, especially when Sehun's penetrating gaze locked with his own confused orbs.

They stayed like that for a while, not minding the cold winter wind whistling its way on their faces and a handful of passers-by looking at them weirdly. "This trip made me realize that I never want to let you go, Han.”

That was totally not what Luhan expected to hear after days of imagining the worst that could happen. He thought of his world crumbling into pieces once Sehun comes back to break off whatever they had, but now, here he was, telling Luhan things that were making him fall in love again.

"Why are you still staying?” Luhan whimpered, voice unsteady from the tightening of his chest. “Aren’t you supposed to shun me? I hurt you way too much, so wasn't that enough reason to hate me?"

“That’s what I am also asking myself even right now." Sehun slipped his fingers in between Luhan's short ones, and gently gave each knuckle a kiss that had Luhan almost passing out from all the butterflies in his tummy. “Maybe, I should be home now to pack all of my things, but hey, I cannot bring myself to do that. I cannot help missing you.”

With that, a soft pair of lips pressed on Luhan's forehead. He could tell that Sehun was smiling and that whatever was causing tension to the taller was gradually being lifted up from his shoulders. Luhan could tell even without looking at Sehun that the other was relieved to be close to his lover once again, and Luhan was aware that he was feeling the same.

It seemed that each and every pain was slowly disappearing together with the last traces of autumn. The unsettling worries were gradually being replaced with hope of starting over again.

“I came here to think, to clear my head of anything about you. But guess what? Everywhere I looked, I saw you... quite literally.”

That caught Luhan in surprise, and his eyes widened at the implication. "Y-You too?”

Now, it was time for Sehun to be taken aback. "What do you mean by that?”

“I know this is weird," Luhan scratched the back of his head, looking anywhere but at Sehun to avoid seeing the weirded out stare that Sehun would surely give him. "You may think that I am crazy and this whole cool off thing made me insane but I am telling the truth... Everywhere I stepped my foot on, memories of our childhood and teenage years flashed before my eyes. They looked so vivid I thought they were real... or maybe they are real... I-I, damn, I do not know what I am saying anymore.”

Luhan was fiddling his fingers, his eyes shifting every now and then because of how absurd and nonsense he sounded. It was after he felt his body pressing against Sehun's chest that he squeaked.

“That just confirms how my decision to stay is the right thing to do.” Sehun whispered right on his lips, and before Luhan's foggy mind could process their proximity, he felt the warm lips of the person he loved and adored the most pressing against his.

Luhan's eyes were wide open in shock, and his body remained rigid on his spot. Here he was, being kissed by Sehun and feeling the taller move his lips gently on his own chapped pair.

Sehun held him by the waist, and the warmth from Sehun's hands passing through the fabrics separating their skin caused Luhan to part his lips to whimper. Sehun mouthed Luhan's lips, softly nibbling it that had the deer mewling in need. The babe was soon fluttering his eyes close and his slim arms surrounding his lover's neck, lips moving in sync at a melody only their thumping hearts could hear.

He did not care if the sunflower was squished by his grip on Sehun; all he cared about was that he was having a sweet taste of his beloved again.

Luhan could feel it; the thirst for Sehun's touch. His body was sensitive even at such a simple kiss that was of pure love and yearning. All he could feel was that Sehun needed him; to have Luhan close and never let him go.

Luhan felt heady from the pleasure of having Sehun intimately touching him once again. He could feel it...

 

 

His breath being taken away...

 

 

 

His heart stolen once again by the one and only Oh Sehun.

 

 

...and Lu Han has no plans to take everything back.

 

 

It was a blissful moment, full of the innocence of their love..

 

 

 

Just like their very first kiss.

 

 

 

It was terribly cliché how the first snow of the year started falling a few moments before they parted, but Luhan could just think of the sky blessing their new profound chance to start once again.

“Sehun..." He mumbled softly while looking at his lover's eyes, whose eyes reflected all the love and affection he only had for Luhan alone.

Luhan had completely lost it once Sehun's lips curled into a smile. "Seeing that we have some sort of telepathy, I could say that we have a bond that could never be broken. You definitely are my soulmate.”

“You have an exceptional IQ so I do not know why you are still settling for someone who nearly flunked college like me." Luhan wanted himself to sound sassy, but what came out was a voice filled in uncertainty. "Y-You do realize that I do not deserve you, right?”

“Maybe you are annoying." Luhan frowned at the words, but tried to keep his cool.

"Maybe your jealousy fits and constant violence are overbearing." He grimaced further, especially because of the teasing tone behind Sehun's words.

"Maybe others will find you a chore to take care of, like you got a big baby and toddler to constantly look after."

Luhan opened his mouth to protest, but Sehun held his hand up, wanting to continue. "Maybe I sound insane saying this, but despite everything, I cannot stop loving you." The Chinese male's eyes noticeably twinkled at this, to which Sehun smiled at.

"Seriously. I do not even care anymore whatever the fuck you want to do with me. You can lock me in a cage forever and you will never hear a word of protest from me. You can chain me on the bed all my life and I won't grumble. You can even disect me and I won't even stop you. Maybe I am downright insane. Perhaps my mind is really fucked up. I am really fucked. I do not care if I cannot understand what I am feeling. What I am sure about is that I need you in my life, Han. I hope you still need me in yours."

They stayed on their ground, not moving an inch as silence reigned between them. Luhan could see how Sehun's eyes were searching for answers and how the taller was visibly waiting for Luhan's response.

Sehun wore an unreadable expression on his face, but Luhan knew better. He knew when Sehun was trying to console his own anxiousness and emotions; he would tighten his lips into a line and hold his breath without even realizing it.

Sehun's eyes were discreetly shaking, starting to doubt that Luhan would even give him the response he was hoping for.

It was when Sehun opened his mouth that a disoriented Luhan found his voice to speak the question bugging his fuzzy brain. “Perhaps I was overthinking about how useless I feel I am, but then, I realize that you can still love me even if I am the laziest and dumbest person in the world, or if I am broke as fuck… or if I gain so much weight that you cannot carry me anymore, or maybe, if I say that I am going to die tomorrow... or even if I do not have arms and legs… or am I wrong?”

Luhan did not need to wait for an agonizing second. He was immediately pulled to a warm set of arms, caging him to the chuckling man's frame. “Mmm." Sehun hummed, his hands finding their way on his cute boyfriend's head and back. "Is that even a question? I will love you all over again even if you do not have such a pretty face and body. If you are some mentally challenged person or even if you cannot talk with me, I will patiently stick with you even if you won't understand how much I love you. Even if you flunked back in college, or if you fail the board exams over and over again... even if you never have any educational background, I will do my best to teach you that loving me is the only thing you need to learn and live by. If you go triple my size then I will still carry you to go to our favorite dessert shop.... but yeah, we do not want you to have diabetes."

Luhan would normally laugh at this, but he stayed mum, feeling the sincerity overflowing with each word tickling his ears. He was beyond touched, comforted, secured, assured...

 

 

_Damn it, Oh Sehun. When will I ever stop loving you?_

 

 

 

_Perhaps, never._

 

 

"If you are practically immobile, it does not change the fact that you have a leash on my neck, babe... well, um, even if you have no hands to hold the leash though.” Luhan giggled at this, loving the fact that Sehun could be his silly self even at such a serious conversation.

“You are stupid.” He playfully chided, lightly slapping Sehun's back.

Sehun answered while pulling away, “but you love this stupid man, don’t you?” His arms were still secured around his babe as he added, "I am serious. Also, if you perish, I will also die. I cannot live a day without following you wherever you go."

"But you did stay away from me in the past few days," Luhan whined, pouting at Sehun who just smirked at him. "Whose fault do you think it is, hm?"

Sehun groaned once a flurry of Luhan's fist hit his chest. Though, it was quickly followed by Luhan's face knocking against his chest with the babe's arms surrounding him in an instant.

Luhan's face hurt from the impact, but he did not care. All he wanted to do was to pour all of his suppressed emotions and submit to them even just for once.

“Hey… why are you crying?” The taller one asked, startled from the sniffs and little body shakes of his boyfriend. Luhan pressed his face closer that it suffocated the two of them, wanting to relay his silent message to his lover. He was tempted to stay that way, but he knew that it was finally his chance to man up, swallow his damn pride and tell Sehun all what he deserved to hear.

“I am so sorry for hurting you, Sehunnie.” He whimpered right after a hiccup. “I was so afraid of losing you that-that... I f-failed to realize how I w-was hu-hurting you. I w-wanted all of yo-your time to be w-with me a-and I hurt you wi-with every u-unfair accusation but I re-realized how much sa-sacrif-fice you are doing just to g-give us a g-good life.”

Sehun stayed silent, reveling to the fact that once and for all, Luhan had stopped sweeping the topic under the rug and expressed his inner thoughts and feelings. He rubbed his boy's back in hopes of soothing him, and it made Luhan continue despite his terrible hiccups.

“Bu-But that’s not what I need, S-Sehunnie. I only ne-need you." Luhan paused, trying to straighten his garbled speech. "I want you to be health-thy. I wa-want you to rest as l-long as you want w-without having to worry about the sh-shitload of work you have for the n-next day. I do not want y-you to be losing weight a-anymore just be-because you want me to enjoy a lu-luxurious life. Whatever l-life I have, whether I live in a mansion, a co-condo, a simple bungalow, a sh-shabby apartment, on the streets, in a damn c-cave, in the mountains—“

“—you are scared of heights, little Lu—“

“—shut up, let me finish,” Luhan whined his muffled protest, and his hand curled on Sehun's sweatshirt. “Everywhere I am with you, I do not care as long as we are living happily together. So _please,_ give me another chance. Let us give it a shot again. I won't ever doubt your love for me again. I am not lying. I just want us to be back on how we used to be.”

Luhan detached himself from Sehun despite not wanting to let go. Sehun could not resist; seeing Luhan with his puffy eyes shining with tears, his cheeks red from embarrassment and his lips quivering, the taller of the two leaned down and placed a soft peck on Luhan's reddish nose. “Apology accepted." Luhan cried when Sehun pinched his cheek harshly, while the elder continued with his answer, “how can I say no to a cute little fluffball like you?”

“Sehun!” He stomped his foot on the ground that was slowly being piled up with a sheet of snow. "Are you really forgiving me or are you just kidding around? Tell me!"

"Still demanding as ever," Sehun laughed while slinging an arm around Luhan while pointing at the ice cream shop. “Why don’t we talk about the old times over snack? And oh our bank account is loaded with my latest salary, so, how about a few more days of vacation in this town, Xiao Lu?"

Luhan, agitated at being treated like a child, tried to wriggle free from Sehun's hold. "Sehunnie~"

"You think your boring vanilla flavor is still in there?" Sehun asked, clearly amused on teasing his beloved.

Luhan, appalled, openly showed his displeasure at the comment. "Boring? It is the best flavor in this world, way better than your favorite childish chocolate."

 

 

Insulting Luhan's favorites always did the trick.

 

 

 

"Who is the one being childish now?" Sehun grinned, his arm pulling Luhan closer. He led the two of them to the door of the ice cream shop, not minding that it was a freaking snowy day and they could even get sick.

"Sehunnie," Luhan whined, tugging Sehun's sweatshirt while pouting and Sehun could not resist but peck the lovely deer's lips again.

"You have to make it up to me in a really nice and good way." Sehun wriggled his eyebrows suggestively, making Luhan turn into a blushing mess in milliseconds.

"U-Um... i-if you s-say so—"

"—like treating me on this date, you pervert." Sehun said, and catching the shocked expression on Luhan's face surely made him crack up again.

"Yah! Stop teasing me!" The shorter male hit his boyfriend's chest with every ounce of power he had, earning him a heartfelt chuckle that he would like to hear forever from his most favorite person in this world.

 

"Calm your tits, kid. No BDSM here. Keep it PG."

"YAH!"

 

 

 


End file.
